I know that I am disobeying you, you know that I know. I light the fag, inhale and wince as my throat screams in protest. I won’t put it out though, I’m too stubborn.It doesn’t take long for me to get to the last drag, I only roll thin. As I stub out the rolly I turn to you and without knowing why I blow the smoke in your face. You close your eyes and cough. I stand up quickly I know I’ve gone too far. You stand up just as quickly and take a firm hold on my elbow. I try to wriggle free as you firmly lead me out of the kitchen and towards the stairs. “Up!” You growl as you push me gently. I turn to you and push back harder. I shouldn’t have been surprised when you turned me back to the stairs and landed a firm smack to my pyjama covered bottom but I was. Just a small yelp and tears pricking the corners of my eyes as I stumbled up the stairs ahead of you. At the top of the stairs I turn toward the bedroom not bothering to see if you are following because I know that you are.In the. I opened my eyes and gradually began to see - first her face, morelovely than any words could suggest. Her eyes warm with compassion,adorable as the purest child's, unfathomable as the greatest saint's.Her smile was so profound, so unconditional, so accepting, that it droveaway my ego and my impurity and my shame.She was twice my size and wore a flowing white dress that seemed to fillthe room. It danced with her every movement and conspired with her darktresses to create ever-new visions of feminine loveliness. Tiny pink andblue ribbons appeared on her sleeves and dangled from her tiny waist,then disappeared as suddenly, replaced by pearls, or diamonds, or lace.Overwhelmed by her beauty and grandeur and my own feelings of love anddevotion, I fell to the floor, spread my body flat before her, and triedto melt into it so that she could tread upon me and I would serve herthus and she would be pleased.As if I were a babe, she lifted me to her side and held me, looking intomy eyes.
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